Little Red and the Transvestite Wolf
by StaringGreyEyes
Summary: Oneshot. A cute, if twisted and extremely juvenile parody of 'Little Red Riding Hood'. Written on a whim and came out surprisingly well. Hope you enjoy it.


LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD

"Little Red," called Little Red Riding Hood's mother from the kitchen, "I need you to e-mail this Get Well Card to your Grandma,"

She opened the fridge and got out a microwave dinner that she had bought from Tesco's the previous morning. This was about as technical as she got in the world of cookery, she was hopeless.

"I can't!" lied Little Red above the noise of her blaring CD player "I'm finishing off my homework!"

"When I was in Y7 teachers never set us homework that involved listening to McFly," Big Red chipped in. Big Red Hoodie was Little Red Riding Hood's older brother. "They're rubbish anyway."

"Shut up!" said Little Red as the top of her ears turned rouge.

"Really, Little Red, it will only take two minutes then it's done. She's a poor old lady with flu living all on her own and we can't just ignore her. She's been so sad since Granddad was eaten by that wolf. I rang her specially to let her know that it'd be coming."

"But Mum-"

"What _would_ your Dad say!"

"Dad's chopping wood in the forest! Please!"

"No!"

"But-"

"But Nothing."

Little Red scowled. Big Red smirked.

"Can I borrow Big bro's laptop?" she asked.

"Yes, of course." said Mum distractedly.

Big Red stopped smirking.

She put on her glasses and stomped off to Big Red's room to switch on his laptop. She pressed the On switch. Nothing happened. She tried again. And again. She pummelled it with her fist. Still nothing. Her eye caught the big hammer on the shelf and she reached out to grab it but then-

"Don't even think about it!" said Big Red, grabbing it and holding it high out of her reach.

"But it won't work!" wailed Little Red in frustration.

"Oh yeah, and bashing it one with the hammer is _really_ going to help isn't it," Big Red retorted. He tried to turn on the computer. "MUM!" he yelled, "The computer won't work!"

Mum hurried up the stairs. "I can't get the oven on either," she said "and the telephone's dead." Then they all realised that the CD player in Little Red's room was off too.

"There must be a power cut." said Big Red.

"Then how are we going to cook dinner?" cried Mum.

"How am I going to listen to McFly?" Little Red wailed.

"How am I going to melt Little Red's wax crayons in the microwave?" asked Big Red.

"What!?" cried Mum and Little Red together.

"Nothing," said Big Red hurriedly.

"I can take you down to Grandma's in the car, Little Red" said Mum, "I'll get a basket and put some home made cake and things in it."

Little Red shuddered. She knew all about her mother's home made cake.

Whilst Mum was busy filling a basket up with food, Little Red scrambled back into her room and began rummaging around for her iPod. She put her ear phones in under her red hood, where they were safely hidden, and went downstairs.

"Are you ready, Little Red?" asked Mum.

"Mm," said Little Red distantly.

They got in the car and Mum started it up. The car made a sad little noise, like a mouse being sat on, and the engine died.

"Oh no," sighed Mum "First the power cut and now _this_,"

"Now what are we going to do?"

"Abandon this whole venture and go back inside our nice warm cosy house?" suggested Little Red, who had taken her headphones off when she realised something was wrong.

"No," decided Mum "You're a fairly mature girl. I think I can trust you to go and walk there by yourself. You know the way, don't you? Good. But first I must warn you that…"

Little Red groaned inwardly. She was going to be blessed with a lovely long lecture that would bore her to sleep within minutes. She put her headphones on and waited patiently for her mother to stop the meaningless ramblings and send her on the walk to her Grandma's house.

"…sure you keep to the path when you…"

"Mm…"

"…beware of the Big Bad Transvestite Wolf and…"

"Mm…"

"…don't forget your glasses …"

"Mm…"

"…washing up when you get home…"

"Mm- Oh Mum, you can't make me do the washing up as well!" cried Little Red indignantly.

"Just get going," said Mum.

--

Fifteen minutes later she was strolling down the woodland path with absolutely no idea what her mother had been banging on about. She had even forgotten her glasses. Without them, the world was just multicoloured fuzz but that didn't stop her from seeing a shape coming down the pathway. Little Red had no idea that it was the Big Bad Transvestite Wolf her mother had warned her about.

"Morning," she said cheerfully.

"Err…Morning," said Big Bad uncertainly.

Generally, when people saw a gender-confused wolf walking on its hind legs and coming towards them, they screamed and ran away.

"My name is Little Red Riding Hood and I'm taking this basket of tat to my Grandma," said Little Red pleasantly.

"I'm…err…engaged in some completely innocent and unsuspicious activity, the name of which I can't quite remember at the moment," said Big Bad guardedly "Would you happen to know the place of the site of the area of the location of the position of the spot, not to beat about the bush, where I could find Ethel Riding Hood's cottage?

"Straight on, then take a left by the rock that looks like a giant peanut, then turn right and straight on again." Little Red replied.

"Thanks," said Big Bad. Then he added, "You know, you're wearing a very nice dress under that cloak, lovely shade of blue, but that hood is _so_ last year. Mob caps are in this season, you should get one."

"Thank you for the advice, mysterious stranger."

--

The Big Bad Transvestite Wolf got to the cottage quite a while before Little Red did.

He knocked on the door with his paw. After a few seconds the door opened a tiny crack and a wary eye appeared in the gap.

"Are you the Tax Gatherer, dear?" the eye quavered suspiciously.

"No," replied Big Bad

The woman relaxed. The door opened a little further, revealing a friendly, wrinkled visage. "Who are you then, dear?"

"I'm a… brownie," he tried randomly.

"A fairy, eh?" said the woman, "Haven't seen one of them in a while. Are you the kind that never does the dishes _or_ sweeps the floor _even_ when I leave out an only slightly green saucer of milk for 'em?"

"No,"

"Then what kind of fairy are you, dear?"

"Err… a…err…"

"I don't open the door to people I don't know, dear"

"Err…My name is Fairy TwinkleToes"

"Oh,"

The old woman seemed to take this on trust and opened the door. Fairy TwinkleToes's eyes widened in admiration.

"That's a lovely night dress you're wearing,"

"Thank you, dear,"

"And the frills on that lovely mob cap are simply _gorgeous!_"

"Thank you again, dear,"

Fairy TwinkleToes looked at her and licked his lips. Maybe there wasn't a lot of meat on her but, well, waste not want not.

"Why are you looking at me like that, dear?" asked the old lady. Big Bad pounced.

--

Big Bad wriggled into the night dress and pulled on the mob cap. He swaggered over to a streaky mirror in the corner. He thrust out his chest and flexed his arm muscles. He waggled his eyebrows at his reflection and grinned devilishly, or rather what he _thought _was devilishly. He practised a couple of suggestive poses he'd seen on TV. Then there was a knock on the door.

"Grandma?" the knocker called.

Big Bad started to panic. There was no time to pull the dress off and run because the knocker would come in any second now. He stood stock still, paralyzed at the thought of being caught. He saw the handle on the door start to rotate slowly, as if somebody was coming in, which they were. He looked around wildly for a place to hide. The wardrobe? No it would be too noisy. The cupboard? Too small. The armchair? No, he'd be seen if he hid behind it. The bed? Not enough gap to hide under. Then he had an idea. The bed! He dived under the covers and tried to make his voice as Grandma-like as possible.

"Come inside, er, dear,"

The knocker entered the cottage. It was the little brat he had met in the wood a little while ago.

"How are you feeling, Grandma?" the child asked.

"Fine, fine" said Big Bad said.

"I thought you were feeling better. But I'd be careful about trying to climb out of that window if I were you, you could really hurt yourself if you fall,"

Big Bad ceased jumping up and down on the bed to try and reach the window and slid back under the blankets. Drat. He'd never escape now. But since Little Red had left her glasses at home she couldn't tell that Big Bad was really a wolf.

"Grandma," she said uncertainly, squinting, "What big eyes you have!"

"All the better to see your highly fashionable, azure dress with slightly out-of-date pleats in with, my dear," replied Big Bad.

"Grandma," she said confusedly "What big ears you have!"

"All the better to hear my very limited chance of escape slipping further away with every moment that passes, my dear," replied Big Bad. He tried jumping for the window again and this time he caught it. He hung from the little window ledge by his claws and tried to clamber up through the open window. Suddenly a big gust of wind streamed through the window making the curtains billow hugely. It wasn't the only thing that billowed. Big Bad tried desperately to hang on to the window ledge and stop his night dress from ballooning up to his armpits at the same time.

"Grandma!" Little Red shrieked in horror, "What a big BUM you have!"

"All the better to- Oh, who cares!" snapped the wolf. He whipped off his cap and dress so that even Little Red Riding Hood couldn't mistake who he really was. He lunged towards her and Little Red screamed in fear. Then there was a shout from outside.

"I'm coming to save you, Babe!"

A figure wielding a huge double-edge axe charged into the room. He was six feet tall and had muscles you could lift an ox with.

"Hi, Babe!" said the man.

"Hi, Dad!" said little Red happily.

He chopped the head off the Big Bad Transvestite Wolf with on clean sweep of his axe.

"Hello?" came a muffled voice from within the wolf.

"Grandma?" called Little Red.

"Mum?" called Dad.

Dad chopped a larger hole into the wolf so that Grandma could climb out.

"You all right, Mum?" He said.

"I'm fine thank you, David" answered Grandma "A bit damp maybe, but the beast swallowed me whole so no harm done."

But there was still someone else inside the dead wolf.

"Anyone there?" came another muffled voice. An old man, who must once have looked a lot like Little Red's Dad, crawled out. "I haven't been out of there since the 1980s," he said, "That wolf had a very strange digestive system," He smiled at Grandma "Hello, Love."

THE END

Hannah Froggatt


End file.
